i find this mildly amusing. not necessarily acurate but amusing.
i have been given a lot to think about lately. about myself and how i view the world around me. i am trying to adjust it into what i already know and believe but it is difficult since it all seems at odds with each other.
some how though i think i need to seperate myself from what is making me think. not to hide from the thinking i need to do but more so to do this thinking without outside opinions. it always seems that those around me when i try to reevaluate things give me more to evaluate then to help me sort through what i already have. i am not sure that will make sense to anyone but me.
i was thinking today about a boy i dated in jr. high. that sounds crazy when you think about how old i am. i just was wondering today if he gained as much from knowing me as i did from knowing him. i wonder if any one i come in contact with learns anything from me. i know i absorb as much as i can from those around me. not all of it i can understand but i try.
then i started thinking about my recent ex and if i have learned anything from him and vise versa. is it possible that being seperate was for the best because i have more things to learn more growing up to do. i agree with most people that he has some to growing to do. do I?
i think i do. vicol pointed out that my view points on relationships are deluded. well he didn't say it like that but the more he pointed out the more i think he's right. i don't know what i am doing. i think i know what i want but then i get it and it doesn't want me anymore.
then i think back to jr. high and i realize how much clearer dating was with him. and how easy it was to care for him and let him care for me. then i wonder if he thinks about these scrambled thoughts same as me.
then i start to think about how it was when i dated him. i was higher then the clouds i was so happy. i never once doubted him or felt he doubted me. i was oblivious to all other oppurtunities for dating and i realized how that hasn't happened since then. i can think of there being atleast one other person i was attracted to in every single relationship since then. i wonder why that is? he isn't part of my life any more except for the effect he had in my life. he was just one of those people you feel so connected to you are sure they are a part of your soul even if they weren't THE one. so why was he the only boyfriend i have ever had where i wasn't attracted else where?
i don't know i think i am rambling as should keep this stuff inside my head. yup, i think thats what i will do.