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long lost friend [18 Feb 2005|11:05pm]
[ mood | content ]

it has been a long time since i simply sat and thought about my world. for a while there that was almost all i did think feverishly about everything thus i had a lot to write here. since pennsic i have done a lot more living and a lot less thinking. thus these shall be my first words to my long lost friend, my empty page. my world has altered a lot since war. i like to think i have grown up alot but at the same time it just feels like the same me. possibly cause i was there every step of the way and no one else was. life is good. i have a reason to smile everyday from within me and without. does that make sense? don't get me wrong there is still a lot of drama and hard things to deal with in my life, but each day it seems to be a new one to tackle on top of the old. it sure never gets boring! but i had a nice thought today it is less then six months till war. less then six months till i go home. less then six months till the world rights itself and all hardships are no more. isn't that a nice thought? i think i shall retire for tonight with that thought.

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[20 Jul 2004|02:26pm]
[ mood | naughty ]

i used to think sex belonged in relationships. i used to think that sex was supposed to mean something now i know that sex is sex if that is all you want it to be. yes in relationships there is sex and it should be there. and in relationships sex does mean something, it is an expression of emotions. but sometimes when you don't need the relationship you still need sex. when i was younger i couldn't percieve having sex with someone i wasn't involved with. but in my life now i don't want a relationship but i still very much wish to have sex. some where in my thinking it is wrong but my body and my heart tell me it isn't if all those involved know that is just for pleasure and nothing more.
in the last couple of days i have realized how much my perceptions have changed from 6 months ago about sex and relationships. i sometimes think that i am turning into a complete whore because of my physical attractions without being emotionally involved. but i know that it is natural and that i should enjoy the experience of the oppurtunity i now have.
i am not saying that any man i find attractive i am going to sleep with. just that i am not going to shy away from sex simply cause that is all it would be.
most people won't understand why this is such a landmark for me. but i am proud of myself because it means that i am being more realistic about life and sex. it means that i am trying to stop sheltering my self from the reality. and that i am starting to understand things that people have been telling me for years. maybe it means i am growing up a bit and that some day i might actually be an adult. who knows. but for now i am just gonna smile and go with it.

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[17 Jul 2004|12:02pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

i had a good night on thursday. i went out dancing with a group of friends. i completely cut loose. whatever i wanted to do i did. if i wanted to dance with some one i did. i am sure i looked like a retard (i am not the best dancer)but i didn't care. i felt so free and alive i had such a good time. then once the club kicked us out we all headed to the diner. there i ran into j and nate. two people i have missed very much. i really need to get up there for a real visit. i hate not seeing them and knowing they are ok. but that just added to my night. getting to see them and give them huge hugs. i was on cloud nine.
it didn't even matter to me that i didn't get home before the sun came up. or that i was only allowed 4 hrs of sleep. i felt great. i couldn't stop smiling.
then some how some way it disappeared. one moment i could fly the next i could barely keep putting one foot infront of the other at work. all joy had disappeared. i want it back. not necesarrily the joyi have lived without that so i know i can live longer without it i just really want the smile back.
i liked the feeling of smiling cause i was happy it has been a while since that feeling.

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seclusion [11 Jul 2004|11:17pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

i have found that i can quarantine myself by simply drawing my thoughts and feelings inside to a place where only i can find them.
i found it strange at first to analyze myself from outside. to look at my feelings and view points away from myself, almost as if i was looking at a movie or picture instead of my life. i did help though i relized a few truths about myself.
i realized that even though i know james and i are done he is still the only person i can picture myself marrying or having kids with. so it is possible that i won't ever have those things. i can accept that. i also realized that i really need people. not just social interaction but physical and mental contact. the feeling as if some one understands you and wants to be near you is so vital to my sanity.
Another truth i learned about myself is that i need to grow up. i always look at the as a place to grow and that i should try everything and learn everything that i want to well i was going against that in a lot of the ways i looked at relationships and myself and my friends. i realized how inexperienced i am comapered to most people and how narrow minded i was on alot of things. things i need to work on. but the good news is i still am learning and i can learn these things too.
i figure that if i can notice these things that i need to grow up about there are others as well.
i think the hardest thing for me to learn is going to be to actually change though admitting it is one thing changing my view points and actions is entirely differnt. it scares me a little to know that i am not who i thought i was. that so much of who i am is wrong, so much of what i do is wrong, so much of what i think is wrong. not that anyone told mei was wrong it is something i saw when i looked at myself from a viewpoint other then myself.
who knows if that makes sense. oh well it is too late on too little sleep for me to try and redefine it.

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[22 Jun 2004|11:27pm]
[ mood | pessimistic ]

i remembered to day why i stopped writing. it wasn't a good memory, i gave up cause i was afraids i wasn't good enough at it and to many people tore it to shreds. i guess that is why most of my life i have kept finished works to myself.

change of subject sort of
i realized today how much of a coward i am. j gave me a stone to face and deal with emotions. he warned me it would probly give me an emotional break down. well it is starting to work. but it made me face the one emotion i suppress . . . fear.
i hate being afraid. i despise myself for it. especailly since there is so much i am afraid of. i have spent most of my adult life facing what i am afraid of simply because i hate feeling that way so much. and since i have had that stone it seems as if i must face all of my fears constantly. i can't ignore them and forge on. they are almost paralyzing me when i must confront all of them at once.
i know anyone would reads this won't care but it is all i can think about. i am hoping that as i keep it with me longer it will move on to a new emotion. other wise i just might crack and become a hermit. i don't want to hide it just proves that my fear leads me instead of me doing the leading.
i don't think i can handle being afraid of myself for much longer. i think i should just give the stone back but i don't have a day off for another two weeks, so i don't see how i can.
now i am being dramatic.
i think i aught to shut up.

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[22 Jun 2004|03:44am]
[ mood | curious ]

What Is Your Best Sexual Skill?
Flirting Skill Level - 13%
Kissing Skill Level - 89%
Cudding Skill Level - 43%
Sex Skill Level - 77%
Why They Love You You can do amazing things with your tongue.
Why They Hate You You're too good to be true.
This Quiz by lady_wintermoon - Taken 28231 Times.
New - Kwiz.Biz Astrology

what sex position are you?
Full Name
your sex is ? rough
you like sex.... kinky and rough
your position is.... doggie syle
This QuickKwiz by smurfs_oh_yeah - Taken 1469 Times.
New - Kwiz.Biz Astrology

i find both of these to be funny the second is true any comments on the first quizzes results?

i think that is enough quizzes for me in one day any more then that and i either will get a big ego or none at all.
been having a good day. but i am still in search of brutal honesty about a few subjects. most of my friends however have no experience with me for where i need the honesty so i am out of luck. oh well i will leave it for another day. i think what my world needs more is sleep.
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[20 Jun 2004|10:39am]
[ mood | indescribable ]

i started writing today. it has been a long time since i have taken paper and pen into my hands and tried to make my thoughts eloquent. i had forgotten how much i enjoyed it. in the past i have let obligations and trivial things keep me from my writing. i am glad i have started again, it was always a fond friend who starved to understand what i was thinking.

todays my day off. i am unsure what to do. there are people i wish to see but am afraid to be around. does that make sense? i am afrais to be around them cause they cause emotions i am not sure i wish to deal with today. i have a friend who needs my shoulder to cry apon and a friend i wish to lean apon, and those that stir my frustration, and then there are the multitude i have that lately make me feel like an outsider. i love them all and wish to see them but today i just wish to be me. no hard things to think about, or hurt to confront, i just want to be me.
i wonder where i can be that besides with only myself for company. i guess i will find out.

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birthdays . . . [18 Jun 2004|01:41am]
i have a b-day coming up. the last few years i have been celebrating it at the beach on the fourth of july. i really like this custom. but that won't be happening this year. i have the weekend off to go to my brothers and house sit for him while he is at the beach with his wife. the same beach i have been going to for the last couple of years. so on my favorite holiday and my costomary birthday i shall be alone in a strange town with no car and and no celebration. i think to make it truly sad and depressing i aught to make myself a cake. but i am not a big fan of cakes so it will most likely be eaten by my brother and erica when they get home monday morning. the thing that really gets me is it is my 22nd bday and i didn't drink on my 21st so i wanted to make up for it this year and now that is down the tubes. well at least i know piz will drink enough for both of us on the second of july.
i think that is enough self pitty for one day.
i think my book is calling my name.
good night all.
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self inflicted torture [17 Jun 2004|02:22am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

why do we do this to ourselves?
why must we go places and do things that we know will hurt us but we can't stop ourselves?
i was right the other night, i should avoid people a lttle while until i can sort out what i am thinking. going out tonight and being around people who make me think just made me think of things i didn't wan to face tonight.
vicol thinks i have a lot of issues to deal with still about my break up. i don't really. i am now seeing that james was right, we shouldn't be togethor. if i was really in love with him, the all consuming spend the rest of my life with him love it wouldn't be so easy to see and think of him with another woman. i find it doesn't even really bother me. i actually think it would be good for him. yes i treated him well but i now think there is someone out there who is better for him. if it is this other female he is now with then i wish them well. i don't think i have issues to deal with about her. yes she is a friend of mine or atleast was. yes i wish the shit hadn't flown the way it did, but i feel a freedom i have missed over the past couple of years. a freedom i good never have had with james, i actually wish i could thank him and her for that. i had some how lost myself in the relationship and i am now finding it again. slowly atleast i am thinking of what i want again. where i want to go, what adventures i want to have the friends i want to have. i couldn't do that with him. i let myself slide in my list of priorities and i thank him for showing that to me. that revelation though slowly learned needed to happen. i still have to decide who i am and where i want to go and i can't do that in the place i was. yes at times i miss being with james but it is more the constitant knowledge of someone looking forward to seeing me, knowing i always have some one to back me up and understand, having some one to hold on lonely nights and kiss me for no reason. i miss those things which i had with james. at first whenever i looked at him it hurt knowing i couldn't hug him or kiss him or tell him about my day. no when i see him it is like seeing my brother, if i want to talk i can if i want a hug i can have one. it may be that i am just not allowing those feelings to be acknowledged or i can be healing. i think it is the latter reason. because no matter what anyone says i know me best, i know what i think about when i am alone at night i alone can determine what i need. and no matter what others think i am grateful not angry with her and there isn't any reason or desire to be otherewise.
i have been thinking alot about these things lately, trying to determine what i feel about james and her, myself, my immediate future, my dating future, i am not clear on all of it but i do know this. though my mind tends to wander and i do feel lonely at times even in large groups i feel like me again, not just the shadow i was and this makes me happy.

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moods [15 Jun 2004|11:53pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

what are moods?
why do they change so frequently?
why is it that good moods are the ones that never last very long? i was in a good mood. i felt well. now i feel like i am in limbo. waiting for what i don't know. soon enough i will.

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[14 Jun 2004|11:31pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

How to make a prpl_jacx

5 parts anger

5 parts arrogance

3 parts leadership
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Serve with a slice of wisdom and a pinch of salt. Yum!


Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

i find this mildly amusing. not necessarily acurate but amusing.

i have been given a lot to think about lately. about myself and how i view the world around me. i am trying to adjust it into what i already know and believe but it is difficult since it all seems at odds with each other.
some how though i think i need to seperate myself from what is making me think. not to hide from the thinking i need to do but more so to do this thinking without outside opinions. it always seems that those around me when i try to reevaluate things give me more to evaluate then to help me sort through what i already have. i am not sure that will make sense to anyone but me.
i was thinking today about a boy i dated in jr. high. that sounds crazy when you think about how old i am. i just was wondering today if he gained as much from knowing me as i did from knowing him. i wonder if any one i come in contact with learns anything from me. i know i absorb as much as i can from those around me. not all of it i can understand but i try.
then i started thinking about my recent ex and if i have learned anything from him and vise versa. is it possible that being seperate was for the best because i have more things to learn more growing up to do. i agree with most people that he has some to growing to do. do I?
i think i do. vicol pointed out that my view points on relationships are deluded. well he didn't say it like that but the more he pointed out the more i think he's right. i don't know what i am doing. i think i know what i want but then i get it and it doesn't want me anymore.
then i think back to jr. high and i realize how much clearer dating was with him. and how easy it was to care for him and let him care for me. then i wonder if he thinks about these scrambled thoughts same as me.
then i start to think about how it was when i dated him. i was higher then the clouds i was so happy. i never once doubted him or felt he doubted me. i was oblivious to all other oppurtunities for dating and i realized how that hasn't happened since then. i can think of there being atleast one other person i was attracted to in every single relationship since then. i wonder why that is? he isn't part of my life any more except for the effect he had in my life. he was just one of those people you feel so connected to you are sure they are a part of your soul even if they weren't THE one. so why was he the only boyfriend i have ever had where i wasn't attracted else where?
i don't know i think i am rambling as should keep this stuff inside my head. yup, i think thats what i will do.
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dating [12 Jun 2004|11:41pm]
[ mood | happy ]

i have been thinking a lot the last week or so about dating. why do people date? why don't people date?
is there really a difference between fuck buddies and being a couple? what is the difference between seeing each other and dating?
i have worked out what these things mean to me, but still i am wondering how other people see them.
fuck buddies:
ok your friends you get a long with each other your physically attracted to each other, so why is it fucking and not dating i don't see the difference except that there is no committment to be with the other person for longer then it takes to have sex. i can see the joys in un attached sex but why not just make it one night stands and possibly string a long a friend who could possibly really care for you.
Seeing vs dating:
seeing a person to my definition is like dating with out being exclusively with a person. i can understand that but why do it. can you always trust the other person to tell you honestly if they are seeing someone else. or is it a convieniant way to cheat on some one. if you care about someone enough to want to see them why see others as well.
i guess i am just boring in some respects and i guess relationships is one of them. i think if you want sex fuck a stranger. if you want to have sex with the same person repeatedly care about them first and if you want to date someone date only them.
but that is me others make other things work for them. i like my way so far.

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i am not sure [11 Jun 2004|10:56pm]
[ mood | horny ]

i am not sure of many things in life. the things i am sure of are simply. i have friends and i love them very much, i enjoy my life, i enjoy simple pleasures like love drink food and fun.
i am not sure of what i want out of my life anymore. or why i am living. is there such a thing as an ultimate plan for all lives. does each one have a purpose a specific role to fulfill.
why do i gravitate to the friends i do even when i know some of the people i associate with aren't true friends.
why do i feel myself changing. my morals and rules for behavior why are they changing.
am i just redirecting my life or have my rules been brocken and i no longer see a reason to up hold any of them or am i just enjoying being single.
i just am not sure

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[08 Jun 2004|12:15am]
ok we know i am not gay i love men but damn this is funny

Gay Bear
Gay Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

i kinda like this one as well i often feel this way


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
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[07 Jun 2004|11:53pm]
Your Word is FUN. You like to have fun. Wanna come
with me and my buddies friday? We can't seem to
have a good time.

What Word Best Describes You
brought to you by Quizilla

apparantly i have more fun then i thought. damn i thought i was boring

You are a crow. You are mysterious and sexy. Your
eyes say what you're body won't. You are a
great human being and often go unnappreciated.

*** What Bird Are You? WITH PICTURES ***
brought to you by Quizilla

i kind of like this discribtion of me i am not sure if it is true but i like it any way
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me [07 Jun 2004|11:46pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

i feel more like myself the past couple of days. the last month or so i have felt insignifigant and hurt and though i know people care about me i haven't been able to feel it. but the last couple of days i have felt loved. i feel female again. i feel attractive, even if it is in my own way. i feel socailable again because i have fun with the people around me not bacause i am hiding from my hurt. i feel alive agin.
i am not sure when or why these feelings have come back to me but i am glad they have. the change is so noticable that i didn't even have to pretend the males around me were sexless. my feeling that males are evil hasn't reared its head lately and that makes me so happy because some of my closest friends are male and to be forced to try and ignore that fact about them made me feel like i was trying to make them something they aren't.
it has been to good to be me again. i missed it a lot.

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hhhhmmmm . . . [04 Jun 2004|11:54pm]
i have realized lately that i don't like large groups especially large groups of males. i find that i am a little paranoid and unsettled when ever there are strangers around. like i was at a diner with some friends and i couldn't relax, and i was worried they were like gonna grab me or something. completely unfounded yes, but i can't help it. even when i am with people i know i find that i don't like to be touched. there are a few of my friends that i trust really well and have no problem with. then there are a few of my friends who make me nervous now and i don't want them to close to me. i don't like it. i am a flirt i am a touchy feely person, what is wrong with me? well besides the obvious.
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well . . . [04 Jun 2004|11:20pm]
[ mood | listless ]

it may not be original but i like it and well i am a quiz junkie

You&apos;re an Orgasm!!  There are a few variations on this drink but one way to reach the climax is to combine equal parts of Irish cream liqueur, white creme de cacao, triple sec and v
""Which cocktail are you?""

brought to you by Quizilla

GRAPES! well you are sumwhat normal.. or at least
YOU ARE PRETENDING TO BE!! i see how you are..
i see you.. you are a mental case in hiding!

!what starburst flavor are you!
brought to you by Quizilla

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i like this [04 Jun 2004|12:30pm]
Your Love Situation
by Amberishjewel
Your Love Is...Sweet
During Lovemaking You Act...Like a river, very refreshing
Your Partner Is...Your everything
Your Partner Has Said That You...Are their best friend
Your Love is Summed Up In A Quote."I love thee wild with desire"
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!
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life can suprise even the jaded [03 Jun 2004|11:28pm]
i am not sure why i was suprised by yesterday but i was. not only did i feel compassion but complete lack of caring all at once for some one who was dear to me. is that posible? can a person care so completely for another and not care for them at all in the same instance?
i did and that suprised me. maybe it is a sign that i shall live past them and there transgressions, maybe it is a sign of my own despair i know not. but still i was encouraged by the unfelt pain where before there was to much.
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